


Stay clean (or die trying).

by scifitwee



Series: Tender Aggression. [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Explicit Drug Use, Inspired by Euphoria (TV 2019), M/M, Manic Episode, Mental Illness, Pining, Sad, Vague Ending, hard drug use, overdose mention, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25902985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifitwee/pseuds/scifitwee
Summary: It was funny though, in a way. They were a good pair even if they were both eventually just gonna get fucked up together, that’s what usually happened. They weren’t the best at being sober, nor the best at not arguing and silently fighting with each other by passive aggressive actions. They made a good pair otherwise. Besides the fact that they argue a lot, Ethan is good at keeping Mark from being exposed for not actually being thirty days sober, and Mark is really good at getting drugs for the two.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: Tender Aggression. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882729
Comments: 5
Kudos: 57





	Stay clean (or die trying).

**Author's Note:**

> all respect to the boys and their partners.  
> if you are the boys, i'm sorry and please don't read this (my mental illness pops out).  
> this is all for fun, so please read the tags and make sure you won't get triggered.
> 
> thanks <3

To be quite honest, Ethan wasn’t really a breakfast food guy. But he felt like him and Mark make a good team, plus Mark said he’d pay. Asking if Ethan was going anywhere after group therapy.

So, that’s how he ended up watching Mark lick salt out of the palm of his hand because the servers were taking too long for his liking. Ethan scrunched his face up at the action, to which Mark just smirked at, then kept repeating the action. 

Ethan knew Mark was gonna ask the question, and to be honest, Mark knew Ethan was going to ask him the exact same thing. It wasn’t like he was ashamed of himself and his so-called life story, Ethan was just tired of trying to piece together what exactly was the catalyst for his addiction to start. He’s also surprised that no one in group therapy ever asked him before. Almost as if he was on cue, while Ethan was absentmindedly pouring too much sugar in his coffee, and as Mark watched him like a hawk, he finally asked:

“How do you think you started?”  
Ethan looked up as Mark quickly said he didn’t have to talk about it, but Ethan quite honestly didn’t care.  
Mark learned that Ethan started taking too much adderall when he was fourteen, Ethan learned that Mark felt left out in high school because he couldn’t drink so he found alternatives. Then you get numb to adderall and weed, and then you go for harder shit. Xanax, lsd, coke, fentanyl, codiene, fuck maybe some pcp if you’re feeling crazy.

It was funny though, in a way. They were a good pair even if they were both eventually just gonna get fucked up together, that’s what usually happened. They weren’t the best at being sober, nor the best at not arguing and silently fighting with each other by passive aggressive actions. They made a good pair otherwise. Besides the fact that they argue a lot, Ethan is good at keeping Mark from being exposed for not actually being thirty days sober, and Mark is really good at getting drugs for the two.

“Have you ever done acid?”  
Mark scoffed at his question, which honestly was kind of stupid considering they both have nearly done every drug in LA, but he likes listening to Mark tell stories.

“Did it way too many times, it kinda fucks up your perception even when you’re sober, y’know?”  
He poured way too much syrup on his pancakes as Ethan nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. The diner was nearly empty, only exception was the teenage server who obviously didn’t want to be here and the super old trucker guy in the back who just wanted a coffee. Mark kept rambling on, even though his hand slowly slid under the plates to Ethan’s. His face warming up as Mark just smiled as he went on about how fucked up it is that hbo costs so much money, Ethan came to the realization that Mark wasn’t really holding his hand and that he was actually handing him a small baggy, signaling that they needed to go to the bathroom after they paid. 

Ethan nods, as he always does, and slides the bag off the table into his hoodie pocket. Sometimes he thinks maybe him and Mark could actually be something worthwhile, like maybe worthy of getting an apartment together or getting a dog and becoming some middle class life where they live in a house with a white picket fence and they aren’t total losers who just do drugs and some times fuck. Mark moves his hand away, and Ethan feels too empty and too sober.

“Is this vicodin?”  
Ethan asks, stealing a cherry tomato off of Mark’s plate that he knows he won’t eat. Mark just nods, mouth full of pancakes and syrup falling down his chin, which Ethan wipes off with his sleeve.

It’s moments like this where Ethan thinks they could have something other than being drug addicts together, where the two are casually talking to each other and silently playing footsie under the table. But it’s also in moments like these when Mark is cutting up a pill with his house key in the tiny bag and they are in the too small stall. Where Ethan’s breathing picks up and he’s stuck with watching the other tilt his head back, inhaling, and then handing Ethan the key. Ethan really does think they could work, the drugs are probably the reason why they fight, and Mark knows he’s an ass when he’s going through withdrawals, and Ethan knows he’s annoying when he gets drunk. But they could work in a weird way. Ethan blames it on the drugs and the unflattering lights in the bus that hit Mark just right.

Ethan sometimes has good realizations about himself that end up being too real for him, like the one time he overdosed and was stuck in the hospital for a week. That week made him realize he does drugs to combat something within him that overthinks, that makes his chest go tight, and makes him want to pull out every nerve ending in his brain and hands. It made him wish he could bash his head into the wall over and over again until his mind stops yelling at him to do something reckless enough to finally end up somewhere that makes him finally feel okay.

He remembers Mark visiting him that week, telling Ethan that he said they were married so he wouldn’t be alone this whole week. He remembers Mark in a big dark hoodie, pupils blown, and his smile wide.  
Ethan sometimes also realizes that he’s in love with Mark, and his world feels like it’s crashing down on his shoulders.

He realizes it’s the smallest things that Mark does that makes him fall more and more. Like in the hospital when Mark smuggled chocolate brownies in, or how Mark holds his hair back when he’s throwing up every morsel of alcohol, it’s the way Mark lifts his shirt so his hand touches Ethan’s skin when he’s holding his hip. The smallest things that kill Ethan, like the many times he and Mark have fist fought, or the times Mark has punched a wall and Ethan has threatened him with a knife, it’s the mean words Mark mutters under his breath that set Ethan into a fit of tears. In the end, Mark apologizes and Ethan inevitably forgives him, but it still hurts.

They always end like this, where they stumble into Ethan’s apartment and Mark is already upstairs stealing a pair of his sweatpants. Ethan just watches him sluggishly from the doorway as Mark struggles to put on the pants, falling onto the others bed saying something along the line of ‘fuck pants’, and they call it good. Ethan lays beside him and overthinks while Mark snores.

And they just call it good.

**Author's Note:**

> yo hi, okay so this is a semi vent idk. recovering from anything addictive sucks really fucking bad, and im coping by writing youtube funny men haha. thank you for reading thooooooooooo!!!!!


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